Many lessons have been learnt on your streets. Hard ones, simple ones.
Most of the time, I have been aware of the simple ones, blissfully imbibing the new opportunities around me. To redo, reconfigure, reinvent. Out with the old, in with the new and calculated and precise. Creating my ideal self. Nursing her. Protecting her. Preparing her for anything. Check marks abound.
The hard lessons are sneaky like the serpent, showing up and shattering after years of building my fortress. What? Where did that come from? I was prepared...at least I should have been. I've trained for this. How did this happen?
In a silly little moment I realize that my shield is weak only to the element of surprise. Surprise which I thought I had stumped beneath my foot. Surprise which can only be allowed by me. Could I do that to myself? Could I self sabotage and let the drawbridge down to my own vulnerability? The sickening answer is Yes. Because as much as I build around it, my true self still yearns to be whole and completely accepted for who she is. To be known so intimately that she does not need to protect herself from the same.
So I apply pressure to stop the seepage, deflecting the kicks, causing distraction, using my words to create an alternate realty, just long enough for me to pull up the drawbridges, bolt and chain the doors and lie in the fetal position. Exhausted, but safe.
I loved it :)
ReplyDeleteI loved it :)
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