Self 2.0

Dearest Toronto,

Many lessons have been learnt on your streets.  Hard ones, simple ones.

Most of the time, I have been aware of the simple ones, blissfully imbibing the new opportunities around me.  To redo, reconfigure, reinvent.  Out with the old, in with the new and calculated and precise.  Creating my ideal self.  Nursing her.  Protecting her.  Preparing her for anything.  Check marks abound.

The hard lessons are sneaky like the serpent, showing up and shattering after years of building my fortress.  What?  Where did that come from?  I was prepared...at least I should have been.  I've trained for this.  How did this happen?  

In a silly little moment I realize that my shield is weak only to the element of surprise.  Surprise which I thought I had stumped beneath my foot.  Surprise which can only be allowed by me.  Could I do that to myself?  Could I self sabotage and let the drawbridge down to my own vulnerability?  The sickening answer is Yes.  Because as much as I build around it, my true self still yearns to be whole and completely accepted for who she is.  To be known so intimately that she does not need to protect herself from the same.

So I apply pressure to stop the seepage, deflecting the kicks, causing distraction, using my words to create an alternate realty, just long enough for me to pull up the drawbridges, bolt and chain the doors and lie in the fetal position.  Exhausted, but safe.

50 days of grey

My Dearest Toronto,

I sit here in one of my favourite states, just about done with the second or third helping of that crisp nectar that brought me to reminiscing.  Half packed boxes abound this living room, even though there are at least 50 days until we lock the door for the last time.
Perhaps we will leave it unlocked.
There will be nothing left but memories.

Memories of nights like this, of binge watching Netflix and bottomless Late Autumn Riesling, and thoughts flooding in, impatient for tomorrow, for next week for the adventure to come.

But you, Toronto, are not easy to leave.  You have written on my heart as in stone, for a little wine is hardly symbolic of all that you have taught me and shared with me and allowed me to experience.

Only God knows what would have happened if I had not dared to call you home, dared to embrace the adventure of a new place, rich in diversity and newness and excitement.
How many ways do I love thee?
Endless.
And that same delicious want, has reared it's dormant head and now with the Lover you introduced me to, I giddily embrace this new chance,

To fall in love again.